Saturday, September 20, 2008

Slipping Now, Not Bending

I am afraid that all of the stress and pressure of the last few weeks is costing my head a fair bit of sanity. Over the last many, many years, I've managed to hold off the black dogs of depression. I know the difference in my head (as exemplified by three courses of prednisone to treat the disease) between depression and plain old sadness, and I'm trying hard to hold on to the latter before it slips away into the former.

Not sleeping is always the start but that's coming around now and I've had three good nights. Then a prolonged illness doesn't help (almost two weeks and counting with this damned bronchitis). And add to that all the personal and professional (for lack of a better word) trauma, I kept sending notes to my friends this week saying that not only do I feel besieged, but that I might just crack in two.

So, I'm making lists. I have a hard time leaving the house in the morning filled up with dread at what's going to happen next. What shoe or ball or other cursed thing might drop and throw me right off course. Deep breaths, right?

3 comments:

teabird said...

The difference between depression and sadness is so hard to explain to others - I hope you can hold on this time despite all of the **stuff** going on in your life.

Zesty said...

I think you need to cut yourself some slack too. Don't feel bad for feeling sad given all you've been through the last while. Who wouldn't be?

indigo herself said...

i know this feeling well. don't succumb. it is so very hard but i know you have the inner popeye strength to get thru. after so many hards, there must be a break in the clouds due to come your way soon. i started taking these chinese herbs to help me sleep and it seems to be working. maybe your naturopath can help? it is an ongoing struggle. i recommend reading the book broken open by elizabeth lesser. it is like eat.pray.love alittle and there are times when i feel like she is speaking just to me. it is a creative kind of self help book. usually i hate self help but ...this isn't one of those. try it.