There's a line in one of my (currently) favourite songs by The Raconteurs: "It's been a wasted, worried year." Kind of fitting, I think, for the last twelve or fourteen months. Usually it's my birthday that sends me into a fit of introspection -- but as I'm well passed my birthday and it was hell bent on almost-killing me this year, I've been spending the last few weeks thinking about what on earth I'm doing with my life. Ever since my mom died just over a year ago, it's as if my life was physically holding me back -- if that makes any sense. For every step I'd take forward, my own body would push me back, culminating in the "episode" from the summer with my appendix.
Like bits of shrapnel left behind, all of the stuff that's happened over the last year has finally started to work its way out. At least I feel that way. I feel lighter, and not just because I've lost a bunch of weight, but also because the sheer force of all that came down to rest upon my shoulders wasn't terrible. It was awful, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish this year on my worst enemy, but it's taught me a lot, and if you can take those lessons and move them into a more positive space, then it's not a complete mess, right?
Oh, how I wish that things turned out differently. I wish that a lot. But there are so many parts to my life that I don't control, and now that the disease seems back in remission for what feels like the umpteenth time, maybe what I need to do now is appreciate how much feeling healthy contributes to a better outlook on life. Yesterday, I walked halfway home and met my RRHB along the way (he was driving). I wasn't tired. I wasn't grumpy. I wasn't exhausted. The day hadn't pulled the life out of me teeth first. And it's easy to be mad at life. It's easy to hate your job, your station, your advantages, your disadvantages, your face, your legs, your grey hair, but it's another to stop for a moment, plugged into the iPod, enjoying the crisp air and the onset of my most-hated season, winter.
Anyway. I'm going to try to post more often. But holy crap, life is busy at the moment.