Saturday, February 07, 2009

The Quiet -- Just Can't Do It

These days I'm trying to fill up the hours before I turn on myself without the will power of Ed Norton's Incredible Hulk and destroy all the good work of the last few years. The last time I dealt with the predisone crazies, truly dealt with them, it took me a long time to battle back and I think I'm more afraid of the crippling blues than I am of the disease actually killing me.

What's more, I haven't had much to say other than disease-related, general unhappiness, boring blah-de-blahs lately. It's tiring for me; I can't even imagine what it might be like for someone else to read or talk about it. I don't want to leave my house but at the same time I feel trapped. I don't want to talk but at the same time I feel so lonely. I don't want to hang out with my friends but I also don't want to sit around talking to myself all day. I don't want to sit around watching TV but I honestly don't have the energy to do anything else. So before I go absolutely bonkers, here's a list.

1. I learned that my new Classic Starts manuscript needs more work. I actually kind of expected this because it (the book) was hell to abridge and I knew it wasn't quite right when I sent it back. I'm still waiting for the substantive notes from the editor but hopefully they'll come sooner rather than later so I can get back to it.

2. Writing involves confidence that I don't seem to have at the moment. We watched the Joe Strummer documentary and it was excellent -- there was a scene when he was in the studio and said something about how great it feels the first time to do something, the first time you get it down, then you listen to it back and it all falls to shit.

3. My nephew was so tired when we were babysitting this week that he fell asleep watching Wall-E. It was cute.

4. Our kitchen floor has tile. It looks really great. As does all the trim downstairs. We are weeks, not months, away from having a main floor (not a whole kitchen just yet but soon). Today we were looking at carpets and couches. You can imagine my glee.

5. The weather last Sunday was so gorgeous that we walked all the way to Kensington and back, bought some groceries, and the fresh air was constitutionally exceptional.

6. For a girl who hates gardening, I sure am looking forward to growing vegetables. Today I said to my RRHB, "I'm going to need to figure out what seedlings to start soon." Can you believe it?

7. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I keep bursting into tears at work. Good thing we have shower doors to close and no one seems to notice how puffy I am.

8. Perhaps Gordon Ramsay does swear just a bit too much. I may need to break up with Hell's Kitchen. The stress of watching the show is unbelievable.

9. Bringing my lunch into work has reminded me how much I do enjoy a sandwich.

10. [This is a rhetorical question]. How does one stop the crazies after they've already begun? I know how to do it but my head is such a mess these days that if one more person asks me for something I honestly might crack in half in front of them. Now that would be a sight, wouldn't it?


Words and Guitar said...

#10:In all honesty? I take medication for it. I don't know if that would work for you, but it helped me a lot.

Without meds? Hang out with people that you love and trust, no matter how badly you want to hide under a rock.

Take a walk in the sun. That can help a little.

Janice said...

#8: Gordon's not all that bad. If you could only get to watch the 5th's season's 2nd episode of Hell's Kitchen, you'd probably get to see and hear the humane words he mustered (surprisingly) to one of the contestants, Ji. Gordon commended Ji by saying "you madame, have been phenomenal, a talented girl..." and even allowed her to keep her jacket as a symbol of her courage and pride because according to Gordon, she "did bloody well". This was because Ji managed to pull through one of the tasks with an injured ankle (due to a slip in the kitchen) with no complaints at all! Ji's teammates, Colleen and Lacey were both nominated for elimination and when Gordon was about to choose between them to eliminate, Ji volunteered to be ousted from the show because she is at half manpower because of her injury. She did such a noble thing in the greedy world of reality TV. I hope that they would bring her back to the show. I found that she has a web site, with photos and you can email and even vote as to whether to have her back to the show.

Zesty said...

It literally is one day at a time and remember that this is something that is not you, but is happening TO you and it will pass.

And I think if you need some days off, talk to your Dr. and get 'em.

It's hard to keep perspective with everything going on, and work b.s. and winter.

OY. Wintah.

Carrie said...

#5 & 6: Good on you!
#10: Yuck. Once the crazies start it is very hard to control them. I find that this is when I have to make plans with people who won't let me wriggle out of them, read fantasy and tell people that I am at my limit. Nothing more revealing than that.

I am so sorry that your medicine is making you feel so bad.

indigo herself said...

ah sweetie. tough times. i haven't talked about mine but trust me i have reached new lows. i just keep hoping i can get back to normal some day but what if that day never comes. let's focus on the prospect of spring and better days and will them into existence. freakin' hard as it is.

Jenn Smith said...

I just want to crawl though my screen and give you a hug. Just know that there are so many of us wanting good things for you.

twhit said...

hang in there dude... and feel free to vent via email any time (but you might get some venting back)! :-)