These days I'm trying to fill up the hours before I turn on myself without the will power of Ed Norton's Incredible Hulk and destroy all the good work of the last few years. The last time I dealt with the predisone crazies, truly dealt with them, it took me a long time to battle back and I think I'm more afraid of the crippling blues than I am of the disease actually killing me.
What's more, I haven't had much to say other than disease-related, general unhappiness, boring blah-de-blahs lately. It's tiring for me; I can't even imagine what it might be like for someone else to read or talk about it. I don't want to leave my house but at the same time I feel trapped. I don't want to talk but at the same time I feel so lonely. I don't want to hang out with my friends but I also don't want to sit around talking to myself all day. I don't want to sit around watching TV but I honestly don't have the energy to do anything else. So before I go absolutely bonkers, here's a list.
1. I learned that my new Classic Starts manuscript needs more work. I actually kind of expected this because it (the book) was hell to abridge and I knew it wasn't quite right when I sent it back. I'm still waiting for the substantive notes from the editor but hopefully they'll come sooner rather than later so I can get back to it.
2. Writing involves confidence that I don't seem to have at the moment. We watched the Joe Strummer documentary and it was excellent -- there was a scene when he was in the studio and said something about how great it feels the first time to do something, the first time you get it down, then you listen to it back and it all falls to shit.
3. My nephew was so tired when we were babysitting this week that he fell asleep watching Wall-E. It was cute.
4. Our kitchen floor has tile. It looks really great. As does all the trim downstairs. We are weeks, not months, away from having a main floor (not a whole kitchen just yet but soon). Today we were looking at carpets and couches. You can imagine my glee.
5. The weather last Sunday was so gorgeous that we walked all the way to Kensington and back, bought some groceries, and the fresh air was constitutionally exceptional.
6. For a girl who hates gardening, I sure am looking forward to growing vegetables. Today I said to my RRHB, "I'm going to need to figure out what seedlings to start soon." Can you believe it?
7. I don't think I've cried this much in a long time. I keep bursting into tears at work. Good thing we have shower doors to close and no one seems to notice how puffy I am.
8. Perhaps Gordon Ramsay does swear just a bit too much. I may need to break up with Hell's Kitchen. The stress of watching the show is unbelievable.
9. Bringing my lunch into work has reminded me how much I do enjoy a sandwich.
10. [This is a rhetorical question]. How does one stop the crazies after they've already begun? I know how to do it but my head is such a mess these days that if one more person asks me for something I honestly might crack in half in front of them. Now that would be a sight, wouldn't it?