Saturday, April 05, 2008

Saturday Morning

Sleep seems to avoid me on the days that I take the needle. So that meant that I was up for a long time last night just lying in bed feeling so tired but not being able to actually fall asleep. Eventually I did, and even without any kind of pharmaceuticals, but I woke up at 6:30 again this morning and now I'm yawning as I'm typing.

The sunshine looks glorious from our bedroom window, it shoots inside and forms a arrow-like pattern on the wall, a reflection from the house next door, so bright and yellow that it made me want to get up and bask in it for a while. My RRHB is still sleeping. Later, we're heading to a friend's for brunch, and then we're going to go buy lighting fixtures for our hallway.

Yesterday, when I came home, my RRHB and Zesty's Marine had done so much work on the house I was actually taken aback. The whole main floor has taken shape now, and we have a brand new, incredibly level ceiling along with the beginnings of a new wall. Within the next few weeks there will be paint on the drywall, and all kinds of trim, as much as possible before the hardwood floors come at the end of May when I'm in Paris. And when I come home from Paris, I will come home to new floors. Thrilling.

I don't know how to put into words the lightness of my mood these past few days. It's not something I'm used to, as if with the snow disappearing, it's melted a lot of my personal worry along with it. And it's not to say that there aren't very real and very upsetting things happening at the same time, but it's kind of magical when you're not frustrated with your work, with the work at home, with the state of your house, with loneliness, with disease, with side effects from the medicine (which I'm decreasing steadily), with the idea of nothing ever changing. There are subtle bits and pieces of every part of my life in good places these days, and for the very first time, maybe ever, I'm not worried about it all coming crashing down. Last week was hard. But that's okay too, because when I needed it, the help was there. A girl couldn't ask for more. Whether it was a note of support here, a held hand in the food court, a joke, a bit of compassion from those who know me best, it all combined to help me understand the world a little differently.

5 comments:

indigo herself said...

i had insomnia, restlessness yesterday morning too. once again you are inspiring me. there is hope. there is progress. i can't wait to see your place some day. i can definitely relate, feel like a lot of this post parallels my current state too. the funny thing is i don't think i even realized that i was feeling sorry for myself or feeling trapped beneath the weight of treading water of expectation...such denial. the warm weather makes it all seem forgettable. thanks for living out loud so bravely.

iner said...

wow. I literally break my back for two years on your place and all you can right about is the new guy that you hired who did all the easy flash work. nice.

ragdoll said...

You know me, all I notice is the drywall. None of it would be where it is without you, and I was only shocked because the room looked so different.

I know there would be no room without you.

iner said...

my heart still breaks.
I am coming by tomorrow to see what I have missed.

RRHB said...

It's spelled "write" you nincompoop....