Thursday, March 27, 2008

Feeling Sorry For Myself

For those of you who aren't the least bit interested in hearing me whine about myself, please skip this post.

I don't know what it was about today, about the last few days actually, that have turned out to just crush me in their path. Not one, not two, but three or four friends have openly made comments about how I'm being too hard on myself, how I need to stop thinking so negatively, and funny how it's just sucked me right down into the mire. As if I need more criticism about how I criticize myself. Kind of ironic and funny, no?

And I'm nervous and scared about the next steps with the book, which involve ripping it apart and putting it back together again, and I feel like I can't rip myself any more apart. And I'm nervous and scared about this stage of my life in general. What the disease has done to me, to how I look, to how I feel, to what can happen in my life, to make me give up all of the things I've wanted so bad, and some days like today I hurt so far down that I think it's all this crap that's actually rooting my feet in place, and not my nice shoes, not my sunny disposition, not my endless optimism. Sometimes it's impossible to pull out enough confidence just to walk out of the house in the morning.

Argh. Now I'm going to be all blotchy when I meet Alicia to go see the play. Damn you stupid head.

6 comments:

Tara said...

Oh, sweetie! Don't be blue. It's almost the weekend; you should think of something special you can do to treat yourself and take a break from your own head for a while. I recommend a pedicure and a glass of wine.

Beth said...

Hey, kiddo, that’s not a whine – that’s just putting the hurt down in writing. Does it help at all to know that others have days where they say to themselves, “I just can’t do it anymore…” and yet keep on going? And amazingly enough, things do get better. The good days return. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while – and that wonderful “ragdoll spirit” will come back.

indigo herself said...

and here i was feeling inspired by your dedication and achievements...you finished a first draft of a book. BOOK. wow. i think ir is normal to feel like you'd do it differently...it is part of the process. at the end of the day, no one else reads all the drafts that weren't published. you have plenty of time to get it into the shape you want the world to see it in. maybe it's like they say...life isn't the destination it is the journey. take a break from it and then try to see the deluxeness of even this stage. whether you believe it or not, you are inspiring for even getting this far. many don't. you are becoming the tortured writer, market it baby! you are a star in my books. hopefully this was helpful.

metro mama said...

First (((hugs))). I don't blame you one bit for being scared of the next step. Maybe you need a little break first. Take care of yourself.

Zesty said...

I think you've poured your heart and soul into this for a long time. You remind me of when I went to my first read through of the play. I was terrified. I had stagefright dreams about the readthrough fer chrissakes. I think you've gotten in touch with a very real and authentic part of yourself that you've had to backburner and deny for far too long. Now you're able to be more like your true self. That can be scary if you're not used to it. Just roll. You're allowed to have a bad day[s]. But you have to keep going. You've come this far. Devil you know and all that....

Chico said...

A dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."