I skipped out on work early this afternoon and went to see a matinee. Normally, one of my favourite things to do, but even my heart wasn't it in today. There was an older woman sitting beside me who obviously snuck in from another movie because she didn't arrive until a good third into the film eating potato chips through the entire picture. With each crunch I did nothing but picture my own depressing future.
And then I'd slap myself out of it in my mind and get back to watching the atrocious Body of Lies. Some of the things I noticed:
1. Leonardo's character is supposed to be "the" US / CIA guy in the Middle East, and sure he speaks Arabic and wears some pretty bad silver jewellry but he's a terrible spy. And gets beaten up like every five minutes in the picture.
2. If you're a spy, one guesses one should probably, um, blend in and not try to start up a really inappropriate relationship with a Muslim nurse as she's giving you a rabies shot. Suuurree she believes that you're a "political advisor." Yawn.
3. When a big-time Jordanian intelligence officer says to you, "Don't you ever lie to me," that's Hollywood code for everyone in his immediate surroundings telling whoppers for the remainder of the film and getting their comeuppance. Double O Yawns.
4. Does every single "action" movie need to have a damsel in distress? I'm so over it.
5. Shut up Russell Crowe and stop calling him "Buddy."
6. Torture is bad. I get it. No, really, I get it, we don't need a torture flashback within the torture scene, it's okay, we'll remember the half-naked Arab guy getting his knees knocked worse than any sh*t Hollywood used to put the Irish through.
7. Why oh why would you go unprepared to a meeting with a terrorist organization without so much as a knife hidden somewhere in your spy gear underwear? Why just surrender? Syndey Bristow had more sense and she's a girl. At the very least, don't forget your hat. It's hot in the desert.
8. Race to save the girl. Sacrifice yourself for the girl. Run around acting like a fool because the girl's life is in jeopardy. Seen it all before. Saw it on the way down and barfed it all back up again.
9. For the smartest "spy," Leo sure makes a lot of rookie mistakes that get a lot of people killed, but he's got contact lenses, dark hair and a southern accent (please, no more accents, please) so that's supposed to make you think that he knows what he's doing.
10. Does anything actually happen in the movie? No, wrong way of writing that, let me re-cast: does anything change at the end of this movie? Nope. Nada. Zilch. Can I have my Scene points back?