Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Did I Ever Make Sense?

October 15, 1991.

[Queen's University, Kingston]

I am drowning in a sea of baseball caps and buttheads. There is no escape. I'm being engulfed and swallowed in the swarming mass. People here are identical messes reaching blindly for the same goal of acceptance. Lost in the comatose world of the university. Mr. Bones [note: I have no idea who I'm referring to here, I can only assume it's my high school boyfriend, Mike] is my escape. No one is changing at least the rabbit isn't alone [what freaking rabbit?]. Our friend has just juxtaposed from one stifling situation to another. I am an amicable distaste for them. I am not one of them. Nor will I ever be so. Destitute. Life is desiring more, much more than here will ever be able to give me.

I think I must look lonely because people are always giving me that pitying look. You poor tired soul. The others look at me as a big loser. Stinking, smelling, foul mouthed f*cking loser. Through this I can accept myself. Take advantage of the institution. Don't let it drown me, but float through. Numb, futile and unacceptable. What is acceptance? Talking to buttheads about a great f*ck or a memorable night of boozing. Not my scene. I need to take pride in my solitude. STOP RUNNING [yes, I actually wrote this in all caps]. Learn, expand and engulf. Not let it engulf me. I will be the winner. And I will be accepted. I can feel it's already begun. What they don't know is I'll reject them flat on their f*cking privileged asses.

***

Good lord. Do you think I took myself a little too seriously in my first months of university. And perhaps I was maybe reading a bit too much Henry Miller. HA!

3 comments:

Zestymama said...

OMG! This is freakin'hilarious! You've inspired me. I think I'll crack out some archives too.

parkdalian said...

You are a brave, brave woman to post those words from your younger self...I cringe to think of some of my early uni writing online for the world to see!

.H said...

I like the part about the rabbit. Too funny. All I can say is that Queen's'll do that to a person in those first few frosh months :)